Clinic Day

Dad was recovering well. The site looked great - no infection, very minimal swelling. In my mind this was amazing to see. After everything he has been through, his body can still heal itself.

As I drive to the kidney clinic, I have mixed feelings. I'm happy he will feel better soon, but even more so, I'm still angry that he deteriorated so quickly. There was no other option but to start dialysis. This is maddening to me. I repeat to myself - let it freaking go! This is where he is at. Get him feeling better now, then we can focus on the long term solution....transplant. He has had a rough couple of days.

As I walk into the clinic, I'm quiet for once. I'm nervous and I don't know why. My dad has a hopeful look on his face and I don't want to discourage him with my bag of mixed internal feelings today.

We sit in the room, meet with his clinical nurse. This is the first time meeting her. All I feel is anger. The entire hour and a bit that we are in the room, I am hot, sweaty, and maybe even foaming at the mouth. My dad has felt like crap over the last few days, and am I hearing him right? He just told her he was feeling okay? I am not going to sit here and let him tell her he feels great, because I know for a fact he does not. I interrupt. I am so mad at my dad. I contradict his statement.

By now I'm sweating like I've never sweat before. My shirt and sweater are literally stuck to me. And boy I wore the wrong jacket because it is like a magnet to my sweaty body.

The rest of the appointment is a bit of a blur. Am I hearing her right? They will not and cannot start dialysis yet until his kidneys still decline a bit further and the site is fully healed? They will also discuss a gradual introduction. In my mind, that made sense. In my heart, this hurt to hear again. We are informed that just a short while ago, dialysis would start around a 15% kidney function.....and dad is sitting around half of that now. I ask, "who makes these decisions" and add "definetly not someone who has had a family member going through this at all". By this point tears are streaming down my face, my face is glued to the floor, and I have a steady sweat stream running down my back. Her continued response is "we are regulated by the government".

I left the room early. I could not keep myself composed anymore. As I leave the clinic I'm furious, I feel so helpless right now. I am talking to myself as I walk out of the office, but loud enough for the entire hall and reception to hear. This is bullshit and I'm going to let everyone know it. I also remind anyone listening that the elevator is STILL broken (for the last few weeks) and how dp they expect the sick and elderly to make it up to the clinic in the winter weather.